Myth: You do nice things for people you like and not-so-nice things to people you don't like

Read on for the Truth...

Image by Brodie Mosher, Pixabay

Truth: When you do nice things for people you grow to like them. When you do unkind things to people you grow to dislike them.

Sometimes it’s better to receive than give…

The Ben Franklin Effect

A few days ago I found an article that I couldn’t put down.  It was about kindness….well, in sort of a sneak-in-the-back-door kind of way.  The article was about something called The Ben Franklin Effect.  Maybe you’ve heard of it.  I never had.  Even though my parents lived in Philadelphia for a while, so I think I should have known most everything about Ben Franklin.

How it got started  

Back in the 1730’s a man, who was envious of Ben Franklin, publicly ridiculed him during a legislative session.  At the time, Franklin was running for office.  Ouch.  Not kind. 

Instead of lashing back at this man, Franklin had another, much more effective plan.  In addition to being an astute politician, he was also a lifelong student of human behavior. 

Literary Genius

As the founder of the first American subscription library, the owner of a printing company and founder of a ‘think tank’ for intellectual collaboration called Junta, Franklin had a reputation as a literary genius.

His ‘adversary’ was wealthy, educated, and the proud owner of a large, personal library that included rare books.  He was also envious of Franklin’s reputation.

The letter

Franklin sent the man a letter, asking if he would lend him one of his unique, rare books.  Flattered, the man sent the book right away.  A week later, Franklin returned the book, along with a gracious thank you note.  At the next legislative session, the man approached Franklin and spoke to him in person for the first time.  Over time they became good friends. 

Georgi Dyulgerov, Pixabay

Franklin wrote about this in his autobiography:

“Having heard that he had in his library a certain very scarce and curious book, I wrote a note to him, expressing my desire of perusing that book, and requesting he would do me the favour of lending it to me for a few days. He sent it immediately, and I return'd it in about a week with another note, expressing strongly my sense of the favour. When we next met in the House, he spoke to me (which he had never done before), and with great civility; and he ever after manifested a readiness to serve me on all occasions, so that we became great friends, and our friendship continued to his death.”

The theory of cognitive dissonance

Most of us….that includes me….think that the way to develop a friendship is to do something nice for someone.  Well, that’s the general idea, anyway.  Apparently, that’s not always the case.  According to the theory of Cognitive Dissonance, if someone has already done you a favor, they are more likely to repeat that behavior. 

Here’s how the concept works:  If you do a favor for someone that you either don’t like or don’t really have any feelings toward or maybe just don’t know that well, then your brain sees a disconnect between what you just did and how you thought you felt about the person.  Your rational brain needs to justify why you did that favor.

In Franklin’s case, the ‘adversary’ initially didn’t like Franklin, but when he loaned the book he had to justify to himself why he did that action.  His reasoning would have included thoughts like, “He’s really not such a bad guy.”  After all, it’s a lot easier to loan a book to someone you like than to someone you don’t like.  So, “sure, I actually think he’s ok.”  You actually change your beliefs to match your action. 

If you want to create a friendship, or at least have a better relationship with someone, by asking them for a favor you can create that dissonance in their mind, which will then cause them to justify why they must actually like you.

But wait…there’s another piece to the Ben Franklin Effect

There’s another piece to the puzzle of the Ben Franklin Effect.  So….don’t think that you can just go around asking favors of everyone and that will turn into lifelong friendship.  You may make a lot more enemies than friends! 

Instead of just asking for a random favor, the request needs to validate something that the other person is passionate about, or something that makes them feel that they are an authority or valued.  Notice that Franklin specifically asked for a rare book from someone who had a prized personal library collection.  And Franklin was known as a literary genius.  Pretty validating to get a rare book request from a literary genius and from you own personal library! 

And the final piece

After you have received a favor from someone, be sure to follow up with a genuine ‘thank you’ to express your gratitude. Let them know how the favor benefited you and tell them how much you appreciate their effort.

June Laves, Pixabay

How I unknowingly tried the Ben Franklin Effect….and it worked

To celebrate her 21st birthday, my granddaughter is going to Nashville with 4 college girlfriends. I can only imagine…..

Totally unrelated, I needed to have an old loveseat removed from my condo. I couldn’t find anyone who wanted it and I had no way to remove it myself. Keep reading…there is a connection, I promise.

I knew that our condo complex manager had recently taken her son to Nashville to celebrate his 21st birthday. What a great coincidence! I also knew that she could probably figure out a way to help me send that loveseat packing. I stopped by her office and said, “I’ve got two favors to ask you. One is super important and the other is just something small.” After telling her I was looking for some fun things for my granddaughter to do in Nashville, she had a ton of great ideas, which she told me about and then emailed to me.

Then she asked me, “What’s the other favor?”

“Oh, I’m just trying to figure out how to get rid of a loveseat in our condo and I wondered if you could help me out?”

An hour later two guys showed up at my condo and with little fanfare, the loveseat was whisked away. I sent a thank you to the manager and immediately received a really nice note in return saying she hoped my granddaughter has a good time.

In this case, I already liked our manager. We just hadn’t had much opportunity to get to know each other better. This exchange will definitely strengthen our relationship. She’s really pretty awesome.

The funny thing about this encounter was, it happened several days before I read about the Ben Franklin Effect. Now I feel a special kinship (or maybe it’s KINDship) toward Mr. Franklin.

Have you ever developed friendships by asking for a favor? I’d love to hear your story in the comments.

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May your week be filled with kindness. 💜

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