You Always Hurt the One You Love

The one you shouldn't hurt at all...

People watching at the airport is something akin to going to the zoo.  So many colorful creatures with so many odd behaviors. 

The Bickersons

Last week, as I sat at gate 23 in the Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport, the Bickersons were on full display across from me.  Seventy-somethings, each with a black duffel and the Mrs. with a pink and navy backpack that she had plunked on a chair.  Mr. Bickerson, in belted jeans and a dark green t-shirt and ball cap, stood for the better part of an hour, his duffel resting neatly on the black, faux leather seat.  Mrs. Bickerson alternately sat, bent over things in her duffel, and stood, squaring off with Mr. Bickerson.  Mr. Bickerson was mostly silent behind his mask, nodding occasionally as his wife launched unkind verbal scuds his way.  Some were mutterings like,

“he never listens to me”, while others were more direct hits such as, “why don’t you pay attention,” or “you’re the worst person to travel with.” 

This went on for the better part of an hour.  Seriously.  An hour.  The only break was when Mrs. B stomped off to get a sandwich, grumbling about having to go get it herself.  As her painted red toes and silvery sandals disappeared around the corner, Mr. B looked visibly relieved.

As I watched this sad soap opera unfold, I wondered,

“Why do we treat others this way?  Especially the ones we are supposed to love the most.” 

Blue Valentine

It reminded me of the movie, Blue Valentine, and the famous song, originally by The Mills Brothers, You Always Hurt the Ones You Love.  Did you see it?

We humans are complicated

When I got back home, I decided to check out this hurtful human behavior.  According to science, there are plenty of reasons why this happens.  It seems that we humans are complicated. 

• The person we care about the most is usually the person we are around the most.  In the early stages of a relationship, we are often on our best behavior.  But as the relationship progresses, we feel more comfortable and tend to let our guard (and behaviors) down.  This can lead to doing and/or saying things that we probably wouldn’t have said in the beginning of the relationship.

• On the flip side of that, we often have unrealistic fantasies about what our partner should be like.  At first, we think they are our prince or princess, but, over time, as we see their flaws (we are all human), we become disenchanted with that same person. 

• Or, we may have a need for control in a relationship.  This can be because of a need to be right, or because of our own feelings of inadequacy.  It could also be a way of retaliating against a hurt previously caused by the other person, a sort of payback.

• Or, because of our own lack of self-worth, we may deliberately destroy a relationship.  As odd as this sounds, people with low self-esteem often don’t feel worthy of having someone else love them.  Because of this, they do or say things that push the other person away, thinking they don’t deserve their affection. (yes, we humans are complicated)

Intentional Kindness

Watching the Bickersons in action reminded me that there are times when I’ve done or said hurtful things to someone that I loved. (If you are reading this, I’m sorry!)

And it reminded me that I have the power to prevent those hurtful things from happening. (Yes, this is also backed by science)

• Recognize when we are doing or thinking of doing something hurtful. 

• Consciously replace those hurtful words and actions with kind words and actions.  For example: You are thinking, ‘he never helps me empty the dishwasher.’  You want to say, ‘You never help me with anything around the house.’  Instead you say, ‘Thanks for taking the trash to the curb every week.  I really appreciate that.  Would you mind helping me unload the dishwasher, so I can get started on our grocery list?’  

• Reflect on the positive effect of your new way of communicating with your loved ones.

The benefits of intentional kindness

• A more loving relationship with the person(s) we love

• Reciprocal kindness from the person(s) we love

• Increased happiness

• Better health due to less stress

We humans are complicated and far from perfect.  The joy is, we have the ability to make our relationships and life happier through the power of intentional kindness. 

I am going to try to keep my Mrs. Bickerson zipped up tightly in that duffel. Wish me luck!

Do you know Mr. and Mrs. Bickerson?

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May your week be filled with kindness. (and not the Bickersons!) 💜