This Simple Habit Stacking Technique

can improve all of your relationships.

I was doing some research into creating kindness habits and I came across this interesting statistic.

Scientists from Oxford University found that adults have 41% fewer neurons than an average newborn baby.

Wow. What does this mean? If you’re like me, it’s been a while since science class. So let’s take a little refresher on neurons.

Neurons transmit information between different areas of our brain and to the rest of our nervous system. That’s how we know to do things and how we get our body to actually do them.

Our brain is wired to strengthen those connections for neurons that are used more frequently. It’s also wired to diminish those connections for neurons that we don’t use as much.

For example, if you start playing basketball as a kid and continue to practice for years, your connections to those skills become stronger and faster, so you are able to perform those skills more easily over time. Or, on the flip side, if you have never played an instrument before, you aren’t strengthening those connections to your brain so you won’t be able to suddenly play an instrument.

So newborns have a lot more neurons than we do. Does that mean that newborns are smarter than adults? Nope. It’s just that, as adults, we start focusing our efforts in certain areas so we end up with fewer, but stronger neurons. Newborns have a blank canvas, so their brain is full of neurons.

As we repeat skills, over time many of them become habits. Studies show that about 40% of our day is made up of habits we have formed. Makes me think like a lot of my life is on auto pilot!

Your little neurons have been getting stronger and stronger around those habits that you do every day. Yes, much of your life is on auto pilot, too.

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” Aristotle.

And it was this knowledge that allowed B.J. Fogg, the founder of Stanford’s Behavior Design Lab, to come up with the idea of habit stacking. He wrote about it in his 2011 book, Tiny Habits.

The idea is to stack a new, small habit that you want to create on top of a habit that you already have. Fogg came up with a formula for creating your new habit. Here it is:

Before or After [Current Habit] I will do [New Habit].

So how does this work? Here’s an example I’m working on. First thing each morning I love to have a cup of tea. This habit is definitely on auto pilot. I get up, shuffle out to the kitchen in my slippers, create a cup of tea, add a little truvia, half and half and enjoy. Mmmmm.

I wanted to start connecting more with my grandkids. That’s tricky. They are all ages and into school, sports, and friends. I tried making phone calls, but I either got voice mail or I got busy…..you know how that all turned out. At the end of the day I said, “Shoot, I forgot to get ahold of my grandkids.”

So plan B…..was to stack a new habit on top of my morning cup of tea. Each morning, I fix my tea, then I text one (or more) of the grands. I’m just starting to try this on for size and I’m loving that I can just do it while my tea is steeping.

So my habit formula is: After I fix my tea I will text my grandkids. Simple. A small, new habit on top of one that I already do. I’m building up my neurons in hopes of catching back up to my new grandson…

So, back to the idea of habits that you already do….coffee or tea, or showering in the morning, or brushing your teeth, or tying your shoes, or starting your car…..the list goes on and on….remember that 40% of your day is on auto pilot!

Today I’m talking about adding a new [Relationship Habit]. But you could add all sorts of new habits using this formula.

Here are some [Relationship Habit] examples:

• After I get my tea I will text my granddaughter

• After I get into bed at night I will tell my partner that I appreciate him/her.

• After I sit down for dinner I will talk about one thing that I was grateful for today.

• Before I get out of bed in the morning I will say 3 things that I like about myself.

Now it’s your turn to create your own formula. Here it is. Fill in the blanks:

After/Before I [Current Habit] I will [New Habit].

What does this mean for you? Choose a simple habit that you do every day…..coffee, tea, morning break at work, putting dishes in the dishwasher…..there are plenty of them. Then choose a habit that you want to do to help improve your relationships. These can be relationships with family, friends, co-workers, etc. Maybe it’s a text, a phone call, a personal note, an in-person greeting….the great thing about this is that you can choose the current habit and you can choose the new habit that you want to stack on top. With a little repetition your new habit will become automatic. And, you’ll be on your way to catching up to those newborns!

If you’re feeling brave, reply to this email with your Kindness Habit Formula. Maybe I’ll feature a few next week (anonymously, of course!).

Oh, and that whole notion that it takes 21 days to create a habit……myth. So, just get started!

May your week be filled with kindness. 💜

PS - Next week the podcast will return. Took a little vacation break to Winslow, Arizona (yes, that Standing on the Corner Winslow) and forgot my Blue Yeti microphone!

PPS - Also next week the newsletter will have a new format and look. I’d love to get your feedback on ‘kindness’ things you want to hear about. Just reply to this email. I read every one.

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